Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
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They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
He wanted to make sure😂
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.