Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”