Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*