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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”