Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot