When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.