[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie