I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Safety first
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!