[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
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Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
how long have you had this for?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.