ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Meow
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.