why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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Somebody call the cops.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If looks could kill
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.