Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna