IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
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When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.