If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.