Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
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Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
OH. COME. ON.