Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
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Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”