I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Mornin
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
If only.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”