It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*skinny dips into black hole
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time