Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
You Might Also Like
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
This cat wants you to take your pills
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!