Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.