My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.