Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Money is the root of all wealth
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.