My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I falcon love using swear birds
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.