Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
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Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.