Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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house sitting!
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture