Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….