Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
the icebreaker
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way