This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
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Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes