I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
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age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?