I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
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It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
multitasking lunch
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup