Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I think this cat is broken
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Tuesday
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.