Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
definitely did not do anything wrong
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*