4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m sorry…what?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin