I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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so weird how every mom was born today
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.