I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
A dad and his duck
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
how to have an accident 101
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.