Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
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It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
even bears disappoint their mothers
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now