MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.