Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
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#SaturdayBears
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I have no passwords left in me
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Love it! 👍😂
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.