Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted