Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
wut hotdog?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks