The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My life in a nutshell
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My time has come.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”