they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Mornin
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅