barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.