During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.