[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
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if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*pokes sex life with a stick
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.