Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.