[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.