WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Thursday
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley