Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
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Morningbreath
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him