ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches