Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing